• Norman Conner

10 Words that will make the biggest difference in your Marriage

Disagreements are inevitable in every relationship, especially as we grow closer to each other. And many times, those disagreements turn into arguments, and as those arguments escalate and get heated, they can lead to hurting the ones we love the most and deep regret.

So, when you do disagree and get in arguments, what is the best way to keep it from intensifying into yelling and going to bed angry? Well, let me share with you ten ways to resolve an argument and grow in your relationship.

Stay focused on the action, not your spouse. You married your spouse for a reason and hopefully it was because you loved him/her. This is important to remember when your spouse does something you don’t like. You would never allow someone to personally attack your spouse so don’t you do it either. It is really important to talk to your spouse the way you would want them to talk to you, especially if you were wrong or knew you had messed up.

Be respectful and show grace. Be very careful with using cutting words or descriptions. Avoid name-calling. Grace can only happen when someone has messed up so if you’re in a situation where your spouse has messed up and you feel the need to argue, think about how you could show grace instead.

Be specific. Avoid words or phrases like “always” “never” “every time” and “the worst”. Remain focused on the specific action that is bothering you and why it affects you so much.

Practice good communication skills. Look each other in the eyes. DO NOT TEXT! Say, “I” instead of “you”. Pay attention to feelings and emotions. Be an active listener.

Make a joke or laugh about yourself if possible. Try to find something funny about the situation. Make sure if you do this that it is clear that you are talking/laughing at yourself, not making fun of your partner. Laughter can break the tension and lead to reconciliation.

Be thoughtful. Make sure that your spouse knows that you are taking their viewpoint seriously. Don’t put your agenda over theirs.

Stay on point. Focus on the current situation. It’s very easy to shift gears and bring past issues into an argument if we feel like we’re losing. Past arguments and actions need to stay in the past. Work on resolving the issue at hand.

Breathe deeply and count to 10. There’s a reason the old saying still works: take a deep breath and count to ten if you’re on the verge of losing your temper. Stay calm and absolutely, no YELLING.

Argue privately. Do not speak badly about your spouse with your family. Your family will always take your side and what you and your spouse discuss in private needs to stay in private. Do not post anything about your argument on social media unless your spouse agrees to it later for helping someone else.

Agree to disagree. There will be times that you just won’t and never will agree with your spouse’s feeling or opinions. That’s okay. You are two individuals with two different viewpoints. But have enough respect for your partner’s feelings and opinions that you can move forward together. I learned years ago that relationships are always more important than being right.

I hope these action steps will help you when you get in your next argument. Copy them and put them where you can see them so when an argument happens you can refer back to them. But most importantly, finish each argument with these ten words:


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